Social media are the greatest invention of the 21st Century, not least because they provide ready fillers for life’s many dull moments. The virtual world is the perfect antidote to our real life drudgery. Bring on the mile-long taxi line, the interminable Monday morning meeting and even the deadly silent treatment from an upset spouse. All we need to do is whip out our phones, drop our heads and, with a flick of the thumb, wade through stream after mind-numbing stream of news feeds and tweets. In the parallel universe of restaurant check-ins, vacation selfies and baby videos, we are the celebrities and we are the groupies. No one wants to admit it, but many of us have started to reorganize our lives based on how the status update would look on our carefully manicured timeline.
 |
| Is your post worth one of these? |
It is therefore all the more important to observe proper online decorum and protect our virtual image. The idea that anything goes in Cyberspace, or that a random post is as consequence-free as tossing a bottle into the ocean, is both naïve and dangerous. The bottle with an inappropriate message has a mysterious way of bobbing its way to a friend of a friend of our unamused boss. Even in less dire situations, social media faux pas can be annoying and sometimes downright infuriating. Repeat offences can damage our reputation and even cost us our friends.
A lot of ink has been spilled on the dos and don’ts in social media. Look up “Facebook etiquette” on Google and we will get hundreds of articles offering different house rules in the billion-member club. We are told to go easy on the hash-tags and avoid spiteful comments, resist tagging friends in unflattering pictures and stay away from product placements. Sound advice, but pretty common sense stuff. Yet time and again, we bear witness to such flagrant lapses of judgment that make us want to right-click on the “hide all posts” option. Chances are you have already inflicted that punishment on a number of pesky acquaintances and, unbeknownst to you, someone has done that to you too. To avoid an all-out defriending warfare, allow me to channel Emily Post and share my two cents on social media protocol. Just make sure you click “Like” if #YouFindThisArticleHelpful. Winky face.
 |
| It's a well-covered topic |
We begin with frequency. Over-posting is a cardinal sin on Facebook and its Chinese counterpart Renren (人人网). Your timeline is valuable real estate reserved for life events, proud achievements and happy moments that take you by surprise. So don’t clutter it with Starbucks check-ins and platitudes like “Thank God it’s Friday.” Instead, space out your posts and, every now and then, give your friends the wonderful gift of silence. If you find yourself itching to update your status more than once or twice a day, then Twitter or Instagram is your answer. Microblogs and photo-sharing sites are designed for over-sharers who want to post 23 times a day. That’s all right because those who get your feeds are your “followers” – fans who voluntarily sign up for the blow-by-blow account of your earthly existence. Just don’t confuse them with your Facebook friends.
 |
| Choose wisely |
Let’s move on to content. Status updates are an art rather than a science. The idea is to make your friends hate you for your fabulous life but not enough to defriend you. You want to prescribe just the right dose of social comparison to elicit envy instead of resentment. So by all means show off your vacation in idyllic Maldives or mystic Bhutan with jaw-dropping pictures. Shout out to the world with news of your engagement or newborns. But no matter how great the temptation, don’t brag about your new car or job promotion. And no one wants to hear what fancy gifts you got for your birthday or how many glasses of champagne you chugged down at the Four Seasons. Shameless flaunting of wealth and success will induce a mini-vomit in your friends’ mouths. Similarly, a timeline carpeted with material things – shoes, handbags and jewelry – will make you look not only shallow but also diabolically dull.
 |
| Humble bragging |
Another big no-no in status updates is what many call “Vaguebooking.” It refers to intentionally vague Facebook posts that beg for attention. Common examples include “Are you kidding me?” and “I can’t believe this is happening to me!” Anyone who likes it or leaves a concerned comment is aiding and abetting bad behavior. Vaguebooking can also come in other forms. The first is song lyrics. A few lines from Adele’s heart-wrenching break-up anthem are a thinly veiled cry for help and should be summarily ignored. The second is poorly written fortune-cookie proverbs that verge on the nonsensical. Each time we come across sudden epiphanies like “True friends are those who stick around,” we wish there was an option to leave undeletable comments. For the proper response to any form of Vaguebooking, however cleverly disguised, is “Who cares?”
 |
| Begging for attention |
Let’s talk about pictures. Because they are worth a thousand words, you should put a bit of thought into their selection. That means you shouldn’t flood your Instagram page with 28 near-identical pictures of your new hairdo from 28 different angles. Food porn – close-up images of what you eat – is as embarrassing when you snap them at a classy restaurant as it is boring when you plaster them all over your timeline. If we can’t eat it, we don’t want to see it. Also, do your friends a favor and avoid those clichéd Kodak moments: feet on the beach, group jumps, latte art, and the lamest of all, gym mirror selfies. While those illustrated Someecards are sometimes clever, don’t overdo them because at some point you need to develop your own sense of humor. Other graphic ways to alienate your cyber circle include posting screenshots of private whatsapp conversations and constantly making weird, cutesy faces to make up for the lack of good looks.
 |
| If I get a nickel for every foot shot |
With so many pitfalls and land mines, social media can seem like a trap for the unwary. That and privacy concerns have created a resistance army who refuse to open a Facebook or LinkedIn account and, in doing so, turn themselves into modern day hermits. What these holdouts don’t know, is that there is a lot more at stake than not listing their numbers in the local phone book. They miss out on important announcements and career opportunities; they fall completely out of touch with overseas friends, ex-colleagues and anyone who is too busy to catch up over coffee on a regular basis. What’s more, they are admitting to the world that they cannot handle change, or that they lack the confidence and skills to use a powerful tool to their advantage. As the Borg always say, “Resistance is futile.” Sooner or later, even the staunchest of recluses will succumb to peer pressure and join the Dark Side. Only then will they discover that social media are like pet dogs: They don’t bite and can be trained to perform some nifty tricks.
 |
| Join the dark side |
Social networks are approaching near ubiquity. Facebook now tops a billion accounts, while Twitter, Google+ and Renren each has over 500 million registered users. When used correctly, they keep us connected and relevant. They provide an affordable marketing platform for freelancers and small business owners. They can even change the world, as Twitter and Flickr did in Iran and Egypt during the Arab Spring. When used clumsily, on the other hand, they can end careers and break up friendships. A single mispost can undo years of effort put into crafting a perfect virtual persona. We should therefore gut-check every post and then gut check it again. When in doubt, go with a gentle touch of self-deprecating humor. A picture of your toothbrush accidentally dropped into the toilet bowl or a tweet about your co-worker’s reaction after you mistook her for being pregnant will guarantee a chock-full of likes. Double winky face.
 |
| A powerful tool |
______________________
This article was published in the September 2013 issue of MANIFESTO magazine under Jason Y. Ng's column "The Urban Confessional."
 |
| As published in MANIFESTO |